box_of_doom: meditation (Default)
[personal profile] box_of_doom
So, I'm pretty sure that I've got a mix of real and chemical emotions going on right now. I'd say it's just the real stuff, but I'm also getting enough other symptoms to guess that it could, at least, be the fault of certain hormones getting ready for the Day of Pain, but... I could also be wrong, because it's easy to use it as a scapegoat and pretty hard to pin down until it starts since I'm more than a little irregular.


A few days ago, my dad was talking to my grandparents and mentioned in the conversation that a family friend [who had apparently been in the hospital for a while] wasn't doing well, and that the end was probably near. I had known that there was something wrong a year ago -- he was in hospital, as was his sister. The same hospital, for entirely unrelated issues. In fact they got together at some point to visit and talk, which was remarkable because they have not been on speaking terms in recent memory.

But dad said that as if it was common knowledge, and mom and I had no idea. But the timing of finding out was... as good as it could have been.

Two days ago, we got note he was reaching the point where, if you wanted to say goodbye to him, you should come soon.

That had me pretty emotionally shaken to begin with. Even just wondering whether or not I'd go. (He's a very close friend of my parents, since they were teens, if not earlier in the case of my dad. I sang at his wedding, back when I was tiny.) I pretty much came to the decision that I would be passive about it, and if invited, I would and if they were just going alone, I wouldn't force it.

It wasn't the easiest to fall asleep, and I definitely dreamed of him recovering.

Yesterday.... they went. I was up and dressed, and they went without asking if I'd like to come. I was quite fine with that -- as I said earlier, I wasn't sure if I wanted to come or not. Actually, by staying, I was able to pass on the information to some other family friends, including exactly where to go, so they could say goodbye too.

Then I went out with my sister, and ran into trouble at every store I went to. I came home with some cute Christmas stuff at a 90% discount, but I was going mainly to open a new bank account and buy fabric/fabric-related stuff, and I was unable to do ANY of that. And that kind of got me down anew.

I was restless all night until I started to play Civ at around 11. ...I may have stayed up playing until 2. Oops. (Also, I had some random non-fun cramps. Those were fun.)


I've been fairly restless today, and definitely had some issues with cramps again. >.>

And then, at around 2 or 3, we got the news that he had passed away. My dad had been on his way to see him again, and arrived 15 minutes too late. Though thankfully he had had the day before, so... he'd been able to say his goodbyes even if he couldn't the second time.

I also started reading a book today, and it's making me laugh and cry. it's a self-help type book... I don't know what to make of it. Or rather, I'm enjoying it, but apparently I didn't know how much of a trigger this sort of thing could be, even if used in a context of "this isn't true at all and no-one is thinking this":

Oh my God, that girl has no friends and no significant other. Wow. How has she made it through life this far without finding a single solitary person to care about her?

>.> Yeah, I definitely started crying at that. Even though I know it's not true. Though sometimes it does seem that... it's a poignant statement, at least as far as the physical world goes. Again, I think that this may be at least as much chemical as not. Though... the stagnancy and... lack of "real life" life I have right now... yeah.

I'm working on it. Some days more than others, but I am.

Also, I'm debating whether or not I want to apply to a job. It's academic and has to do with LM Montgomery, in PEI, part time, and less than a year in length. Part of it sounds a lot like something that could be interesting. But... I'm also not quite sure if it's worth it for the duration. I... don't know.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-01-10 05:49 pm (UTC)
estelraca: (Default)
From: [personal profile] estelraca
I'm so sorry to hear about your family's loss. Sometimes seeing other people in pain and losing a connection that, if not close, has at least always been there can be incredibly hard. There's a sense of grief but also an uncertainty as to how much grief you should be feeling, and seeing everyone else hurt... it's hard.

I'm sorry you had such a tough time at the store. I hope that you can manage to get everything you want another day.

As for the things in the book that are making you cry... *hugs* You have a great many people who care about you. I know it's hard living so far away from the rest of us. I know that long-distance connections can feel brittle and easily broken. But we're here for you, love, any time you need us. We're just a phone call, an IM, or a train ride away. (Hey, perhaps that's the thing that can tempt you to America! Come to Michigan, we physically exist here. :-p)

I'd say if you really want it or if there's the possibility of the job leading to something else, go for it. Otherwise, just keeping trucking away at the job applications. You're going to find something, even if it seems impossible.

*all the hugs*


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