box_of_doom: "Now with amazing push-button shushing action!" (amazing shushing action)
[personal profile] box_of_doom
I'm glad that things like emergency compliments are things that exist. Sometimes when I'm down, they're the right thing to get me back up and feeling... not quite as depressed.

Sometimes I just get a day, or a set of days, when little things get to me more. Times are irregular, and no-one tells me what's going on (either because they don't know or because people don't think to tell me) and I end up missing out and feeling slightly shaken because my usual good planning has failed. I get too many calls at once and feel anxious because I can't give people the promptness and attention both that I want. Too much negativity seems to be on my dash and half of it I wouldn't even know how to remove with tumblr saviour and/or xkit if I did use it. I want to talk things out because things are bothering me in the moment, and I don't even know where to go because my usual confidante is offline. Someone mentions their partner, and I find myself tearing up and getting frustrated and feeling sorry for myself.

Actually it's that last situation that started off today. And it frustrates me not only because I'm still single, but because I'm getting emotional at it in the first place. Actually, it bothers me how much most of the stuff on the list bothers me, because 95% of the time, no-one has done anything wrong at all. I just... can't always deal with things as I perhaps "should" and then... yeah. I internalize a lot. ...the fact that I can't blame anyone (myself or others) though is also frustrating because I have nowhere to direct feelings, and yet feelings still exist.

And then there's the times that I find it hard to voice things, or hard to feel like I have a voice. In the former case, it's generally obvious that it's unintentional, and when it's not obvious then I get angry. I just... feel more invisible when it's more unintentional, and sometimes that's good and sometimes it hurts a bit. And in the former case I generally just end up being frustrated and internalizing once again.

With the romance, though, it's frustrating because I do want the marriage and the kids. Especially the kids. And I've wanted that since pretty much as long as I can remember. I'm not sure if I want everything the most traditional of ways, and I'll admit enough to that, but I want it nonetheless. I like the idea of codependency, so long as there's space for being oneself and having alone time.

If you'd asked me a decade ago, I think I would have told you that I'd have found someone by now. Maybe married, maybe not, but found someone at least.

Instead... well, I don't remember the last time I had strong heart pangs for anyone. Maybe back in undergrad? I've had a few minor crushes since, I've had (and do have) people who I would date if it was mutually decided that we should, because I think we could make a good match and I think things could develop, and heck I somewhat ship myself with someone, though I'm pretty sure it's not canon due to the aforementioned lack of heartpanging.

But... every time someone has asked me if I wanted to date them, I've had to decline. (Except for once, and I did after a week because things were weird, but that's a discussion for another time.) And that hasn't been all that often.

The last time, which actually was recent, I actually did consider it, because there was some feelings -- if not of the exact crushy sort, at least intimate and home and good. But... the situation was unorthodox, and I knew that my mental health probably would suffer as a result. And... maybe it's just that I'm afraid to dance (like the heart afraid of breaking in The Rose, or the dream afraid of dying that never learns to live) but I can't help but feel like I should be somewhere that I don't feel like that will be a problem.

I don't really want to do online dating (dating someone online, maybe, but I have trepidations about online dating for whatever reason) but at the same time, part of me wonders what options there are for me, too. I go into a lot of new social situations going "I could find someone here" but then socializing isn't my strong point to begin with, and there's no real spark anyway, and I just end up back where I started with a few more acquaintances.

Maybe this will all change someday.

Maybe I'm working up to something and don't know it yet.

But currently I feel time moving on around me, and although I don't dislike my life, I find myself short in several areas that I never expected to be growing up, while others around me seem to move on, and I feel myself being frustrated and not knowing what to do.

And some days, it just gets hard to handle, hard to verbalize, and hard to process and deal with.
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June 2017

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